But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
