the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
