the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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