did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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