That's intense
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
