Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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