A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
