Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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