sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
