Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
