I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we're making bets on your personal life
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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