If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
