I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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