The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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