It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
