We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
