my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
