Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
