just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
