why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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