when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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