haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i think i just lost a toe
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
