Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize