My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
