i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
