I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
