things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize