i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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