I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
