fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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