It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
