I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
