you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
