As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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