Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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