His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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