I think my vagina is haunted
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize