last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
