Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im holly from the hills drunk
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
