All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
