??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
