I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
