Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
