well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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