you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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