I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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