News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize