Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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