The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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