Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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