He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
