so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
