When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
