Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
