I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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