It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
