peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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