i permit you to call me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
