i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
