I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
