Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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