Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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