I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
