Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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