$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
