I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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